Aliya's Visual Analysis Rough Draft
-While the information on what happened at Sandy hook is relevant and necessary; consider being more concise with the information and fitting it into the intro paragraph. I don't think that the information about the Florida shooting is needed.
-The first three paragraphs are wordy and could be shrunk down into a solid intro. I would go through and pick out only what is relevant to the evidence you picked out of the video and put a little context about school shootings; consider a transition between a personal story ( how you felt when you heard about Sandy hook or any school shooting) to grab the readers attention. Then transition to the facts and then lead into your evidence.
- Try not to summarize the video and instead pick out only relevant information, or go in-depth about why they chose do show the clips in this order. Go back to to the point you made about how it can happen at any moment and relate that the sequence of clips
- I feel like there is a lot of potential for this paper but it relies on the summary. When analyzing you need focus on the why behind the filmmakers' choices not what they decided. Why did they show those clips in that order? why did they choose those school supplies when they could've chosen others? consider what if they chose different school supplies how would that change the meaning of the video? why these colors? why these locations?
Hope this was helpful!
-The first three paragraphs are wordy and could be shrunk down into a solid intro. I would go through and pick out only what is relevant to the evidence you picked out of the video and put a little context about school shootings; consider a transition between a personal story ( how you felt when you heard about Sandy hook or any school shooting) to grab the readers attention. Then transition to the facts and then lead into your evidence.
- Try not to summarize the video and instead pick out only relevant information, or go in-depth about why they chose do show the clips in this order. Go back to to the point you made about how it can happen at any moment and relate that the sequence of clips
- I feel like there is a lot of potential for this paper but it relies on the summary. When analyzing you need focus on the why behind the filmmakers' choices not what they decided. Why did they show those clips in that order? why did they choose those school supplies when they could've chosen others? consider what if they chose different school supplies how would that change the meaning of the video? why these colors? why these locations?
Hope this was helpful!
Thank you!