Before:
But, what are the specific perils? The Reverend adamantly believes that, “besides the liquor and the drugs which always seem to accompany such an event the thing that distresses me even more, Ren, is the spiritual corruption that can be involved.”[1] For the good Reverend, it seems to not be a simple dismissal of dance and music, but a gateway into drugs, alcohol, and, ultimately, sin. Dance and music, it seems, not only jeopardize health, but also salvation. These statements bring with them many interesting questions to unpack, not only for Ren, but also for society.
After:
What makes dance so dangerous? We see the Reverend adamantly believes that “besides the liquor and the drugs which always seem to accompany such an event the thing that distresses me even more, Ren, is the spiritual corruption that can be involved.”[1] For our good Reverend here, it seems to not be a simple dismissal of dance and music, but a gateway into drugs, alcohol, and, ultimately, sin. Dance and music, in this perspective, seems, not only to jeopardize our health, but also our salvation. Such statements bring with them many interesting questions to unpack, not only for Ren, but also for our society.
Changing the voice serves to intensify the sentences. They are more forward and pointed. I do not know if it is an improvement, but it does seem more conversational with the reader. I like it despite it feeling odd placing myself into academic work. Placing pronouns into the paragraph makes the argument relevant because of the added human element. It will take time to break away from writing rules instilled in me through years of academic writing.