Before:
Biblical recollections of women dancing are positioned in a slightly different light when compared to David’s narrative. The Old Testament references it only once, when, “the prophet Miriam, Aaron’s sister, took a tambourine in her hand; and all the women went out after her with tambourines and with dancing.” [1] This worship was also lauded as just and acceptable before the Lord as a tribute to the great miracles that had been performed.
After:
The Bible places women’s dancing in a different light, especially when compared to David’s narrative. The Old Testament references women’s revelry only once, when, “the prophet Miriam, Aaron’s sister, took a tambourine in her hand; and all the women went out after her with tambourines and with dancing.” [1] Lauded equally with David’s worship, Miriam’s dancing is just and acceptable to God and onlookers. The dance is a fitting tribute.
This is a huge improvement. I often write in such a way that makes sense to my own thinking. I recognize my writing can be a bit heavy. The finished product here, interestingly enough, is almost as long and yet clearer overall. Using active verbs pushes the argument along instead of dragging it out. Short sentences are powerful. Placing the subject and verb far from one another does not add intrigue or increase understanding.