Ben's rough draft
It's a good read, and I understand this is a setup for a longer story, but you can make some improvements.
Here is what I’m looking for in this assignment:
Structure – 30%
Looking for a clear Plot Point 1 and Plot Point 2
And a Midpoint: an unexpected Middle in Act 2, tied to the climax
--yours is sneaky because it seems like the goal is to sell drugs, but the ending reveals that the goal is simply to get Dave on board with the plan
--if that is the case, then your mission would be to create a scenario in which Dave is very UNLIKELY to agree, and Billy's job is to convince him
--I'm not sure if that is what you're trying to do
--but if it is, then the solution could be as simple as withholding the dollar figure until the end. Every detail that Billy gives, Dave shakes his head no. Every suggestion is accompanied by a theoretical visual dramatization. If some angle seems to making a breakthrough, Dave might consider it, then says no. One suggestion gets a flatout "Hell no!" Finally, Billy mentions the $5000. Turns out, that's all took. Dave says yes.
Character – 30%
Golden Rule/Dramatic Need/Character Arc
--again, as written, the dramatic need is shifty
--I don't see a lot of character arc
Visual Writing/Description/Dialogue – 20%
Visual descriptions (and aural); Sharp dialogue
--the writing is great - good dialogue, good visuals
Format – 20%
Professional format, spelling, grammar
--looks good (see my marks on the hard copy)
Here is what I’m looking for in this assignment:
Structure – 30%
Looking for a clear Plot Point 1 and Plot Point 2
And a Midpoint: an unexpected Middle in Act 2, tied to the climax
--yours is sneaky because it seems like the goal is to sell drugs, but the ending reveals that the goal is simply to get Dave on board with the plan
--if that is the case, then your mission would be to create a scenario in which Dave is very UNLIKELY to agree, and Billy's job is to convince him
--I'm not sure if that is what you're trying to do
--but if it is, then the solution could be as simple as withholding the dollar figure until the end. Every detail that Billy gives, Dave shakes his head no. Every suggestion is accompanied by a theoretical visual dramatization. If some angle seems to making a breakthrough, Dave might consider it, then says no. One suggestion gets a flatout "Hell no!" Finally, Billy mentions the $5000. Turns out, that's all took. Dave says yes.
Character – 30%
Golden Rule/Dramatic Need/Character Arc
--again, as written, the dramatic need is shifty
--I don't see a lot of character arc
Visual Writing/Description/Dialogue – 20%
Visual descriptions (and aural); Sharp dialogue
--the writing is great - good dialogue, good visuals
Format – 20%
Professional format, spelling, grammar
--looks good (see my marks on the hard copy)